The Real Reason You Can’t Orgasm, According to Medical Experts
· Vice
There’s no lonelier feeling than lying next to someone who just had a toe-curling orgasm while you stare at the darn ceiling fan, wondering how long you can keep pretending this is fine. When that keeps happening, and it bothers you (understandable), there’s a clinical name for it.
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Anorgasmia is when orgasms are absent, delayed, infrequent, or much weaker than expected even though you’re turned on. One off night doesn’t qualify. Some people have never had an orgasm at all, while others used to and now can’t. Some people can get there on their own but not with a partner.
Sadly, it’s not rare. The Cleveland Clinic says up to 15% of women report never having had an orgasm, and one large national survey found nearly a quarter had gone several months or longer without one during the previous year.
The Surprisingly Common Condition That Can Make Orgasms Difficult or Impossible
There’s also the old idea that penetration alone is supposed to do the job, which has made generations of women wonder if something is wrong with them. In a nationally representative Indiana University study, only 18% of women said intercourse by itself was enough to make them come.
Nearly three-quarters said clitoral stimulation was necessary or made sex better. That’s a very big disconnect from the way sex is usually shown on TV and in movies (ahem…also porn).
Laurie Mintz, a University of Florida psychology professor and author of Becoming Cliterate, has blamed pop culture for some of that confusion. Women grow up seeing “these fast and fabulous orgasms from intercourse alone,” she told NBC News, and then real sex happens, and it’s nothing like that.
Sometimes there’s a medical reason. SSRIs are a common cause, according to the Cleveland Clinic, and menopause can affect orgasm as well. Some health conditions can interfere with the nerves involved, while stress and anxiety can make it harder to relax. If sex becomes a test of whether you’re going to come this time, it can be really hard to enjoy what’s actually happening.
What helps depends on why it’s happening. A doctor can review medications and check for health issues, and a sex therapist can help if anxiety or shame has gotten wrapped up in the mix. If clitoral stimulation is what gets you there, there’s no shame in that. That’s just what works for your body.
One important thing: don’t quit an antidepressant cold turkey because your sex life is frustrating you. Talk to the person who prescribed it first.
If you can orgasm alone but never with a partner, that means things are probably working just fine. Your partner just hasn’t been given the instruction manual yet.
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