Why Not Fighting Is Making Your Relationship Worse, According to Therapists
· Vice
You can’t just let the fight be a fight. Within an hour, you’re the one smoothing things over, apologizing, making sure he knows it’s fine—even when it isn’t. And the thing you actually needed to say? Still unsaid.
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It’s called fawning. It’s the fourth trauma response, after fight, flight, and freeze. “Fawn is when your nervous system decides that the fastest way to keep you safe is to make the other person feel good about you, right now, even if that means overriding every signal your own body is sending,” writes Annie Wright, LMFT, whose research on the fawn response has become a significant resource in relational trauma work.
Women are more prone to it, and you can thank conditioned training. From the time girls are old enough to be corrected, agreeableness is the lesson: be easy, be pleasing, don’t be difficult. A 2025 analysis found that women who pushed back against those norms faced measurable social and professional consequences. The nervous system takes note of that response, and never forgets.
Why Avoiding Fights Can Make Your Relationship Worse
The problem is what fawning does to the relationship over time. Every time conflict gets smoothed over before it’s been addressed, the other person gets one message. What they did was acceptable. There are no consequences. As psychotherapist Nancy Colier writes in Psychology Today, by rushing to repair the rupture, “you’re effectively removing any need for responsibility on his part.” The wound closes on the outside, but nothing underneath it heals.
Dr. John Gottman spent his life’s career studying what actually keeps couples together, and conflict avoidance isn’t on the list. Couples who sidestep it consistently build resentment and distance over time—what feels like keeping the peace is usually two people who’ve stopped expecting anything from each other. As Gottman put it, “Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding.” A relationship where nobody asks for anything isn’t stable. It’s just stalled.
The alternative is sitting with discomfort, not rushing to restore the bond, not apologizing for having a need or creating a “patch” before the problem’s been acknowledged. That means letting conflict exist in the room after it’s been raised, without immediately vacuuming it up. The nervous system will protest. Loudly. Just let it happen and stay with that discomfort.
A relationship that can’t survive being in conflict was already in trouble. And when a relationship never has to survive anything, it’s just two people coexisting politely.
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