From dogs to doves: Why being human still beats the alternatives
· Citizen
“I wish I wasn’t human,” my friend said the other day, stirring her coffee while staring at a doves’ mating ritual.
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Now, that’s not the kind of statement you just nod at and move on from. It’s a sentence that opens doors. Big ones.
“Alright then,” I said. “What would you be?”
She didn’t answer immediately, which tells you she hadn’t thought this through. Because wishing not to be human is one thing.
But choosing a replacement species, that’s a commitment.
My mind, however, ran ahead.
A cat, perhaps? That’s usually the first choice. Sleep 18 hours a day, judge everyone silently, knock things off tables for no reason. No job. No taxes. No awkward small talk.
But you have to eat the same pellets every day and pretend a piece of string is entertainment.
No, thank you. Maybe a dog?
Now there’s a tempting option. Unconditional love, daily walks and the emotional range of “happy”, “very happy”, and “someone opened the fridge”.
But then you remember vet visits, baths. And that one humiliating moment when you get introduced as “our baby”.
Bird, maybe?
Freedom, open skies. The wind beneath your wings. Yes, until you realise you’d spend most of your life avoiding power lines and being chased away from outdoor restaurants. Also, the public perception of birds is not great. One wrong move and suddenly you’re “that pigeon”.
A fish? Peaceful. Quiet. Minimal responsibility.
Except your entire existence depends on someone remembering to feed you and not tapping on the glass like you’re a reality show contestant.
And after dying, you get flushed down the toilet.
At this point I looked back at my friend. “Are you sure about this?” I asked. She shrugged. “Humans are exhausting.”
She’s not wrong. We worry too much. We overthink everything. We replay conversations from 2007 at 2am. We say things like “we must do lunch” and then avoid each other for six months.
But here’s the thing, we laugh at things we shouldn’t. We eat food that makes no sense together.
We create music, stories and entire personalities out of nothing.
No other species sits around wondering what it would be like to be something else. My friend sighed and took another sip of coffee. “Maybe I just need a holiday and then continue to be me,” she said.
Mmm. Great choice. I definitely wouldn’t have coffee with a cat.