If Other Jobs Were Like U.S. Senator
· The Atlantic
It’s time for your scheduled open-heart surgery. Unfortunately, no one has seen or heard from the surgeon in weeks, since the Incident. The nurse says that she spoke with him at length on a wide variety of important subjects and that he had never been more eloquent. “Will he be along shortly?” you ask. “I hired him to perform a specific job, and I would like him to do that.” The nurse is appalled by this disrespect for the doctor’s privacy. You lie there for several weeks, your chest flaps held open by clamps.
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*
You visit the zoo. THE RHINO IS IN, a large sign informs you. But you don’t see any rhinoceroses, just some zookeepers crawling around in a rhino suit. “We’ve worked with the rhinoceros for years,” the zookeepers explain, when confronted. “We know exactly what he’d do in this situation.”
“Do we need to get another rhino, though?” you ask. “Is there a rhino in this zoo, currently?” No one answers. You don’t deserve an answer.
*
Your child’s babysitter has not been heard from in weeks. First Lady Edith Wilson is answering all correspondence on her behalf. “That’s fine,” you say. “There’s precedent for this.”
*
You are watching the Olympics. The gymnasts simply don’t show up! An ESPN commentator assures you that he called one of them and spoke for 20 minutes about the situation in Iran. “Did you get any response?” you ask. “Or did you just talk to them?” Everyone says this question is rude and ill-timed.
*
You are at the dentist’s office. No one has seen or heard from the dentist in months, but he’s been making stock trades. “That’s something,” you and the receptionist agree. “Should I wait?” you ask.
“He’ll tell you what’s going on in due time,” the receptionist says stiffly. You wait. Your tooth aches.
“I’ve finished all the Far Side compilations,” you tell the receptionist. “Should I keep waiting?” She shrugs.
*
You have called the fire department. “Don’t worry,” the 911 dispatcher tells you. “The firefighters are thriving!”
“That’s great!” you say. “And they’ll be here soon, to put out the fire?” There is a long pause on the other end of the line. “Because if they won’t,” you say, “I’d really like to know.”
*
You call your senator to complain about all these goings-on. “Hi,” you say. “I just think there’s a certain standard of, well, presence to which you should be able to hold people in important positions!”
“The senator agrees,” the staffer answers. “He was just saying so at length this afternoon. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get any video footage of it.” You sigh. Seems about right.